This Will be My World

I believe my biggest awakening happened when I was 16. It was the darkest moment of my life. (or maybe it just feels like the darkest, because it was my first time experiencing darkness.) Either way, life was the most confusing then.

It was the first time I experienced depression. I wanted to stay out late and my parents wouldn’t let me. I wanted to date and my parents wouldn’t let me. I went behind my parents back and dated anyways. I constantly fought with them because I felt as if they just didn’t understand me. All of my friends were allowed to, why couldn’t I? I ended up dating this boy who was cheating on me the whole time. I instantly felt regret that I spent so much time fighting with my parents over someone who didn’t really love me. After the situation played out, I realized that they were just trying to protect me from getting hurt.

Considering I wasn’t able to stay out late, I’d go home from parties at 10:30-11PMish. I’d heat up whatever my mom cooked, go to my room and listen to music/write. I didn’t know it back then, but those moments were shaping me into the person I am today. Reality was confusing, so I made my mind and my room my safe haven. I also discovered Kid Cudi’s music around this time. His words of wisdom, and understanding really resonated with me – reminding me that everything would be okay. I had always had a relationship with myself and it grew deeper within those moments. I would be in my own world, and it was beautiful. I would watch documentaries/movies and just fantasize about who I wanted to be when I was older. I couldn’t wait to grow up.

Although I had butterflies at the thought of my future – I didn’t know what I was going to do. I really wanted to write, I really wanted to make music, I wanted to design clothes. I wanted to do anything that allowed me to express myself – I just didn’t know how to start. *That’s why I always tell people to reach out if they have questions on self-publishing a book*

I had big dreams, and whenever I’d tell my “friends” they would just laugh and make fun of me. I would leave parties crying because I wondered why I was so different. As much as I wanted to fit in, my heart wouldn’t allow it. I only had a handful of friends who understood me, believed in me, and encouraged me.

I would stress out because it seemed as if everyone around me had it all figured out, besides me. I didn’t know what college I was going to attend, I didn’t even know if I was going to pass chemistry. I would be in the back of class daydreaming of Kid Cudi, writing poems, and trying to design clothes (I called my make believe clothing line,’Moon Made’)

I made myself my own best friend. I learned to tap into thoughts that made me feel good. I had this inner knowing that one day – everything was going to be the way I imagined it to be. So here I am, living in California. I just released my first poetry book on October 27, 2017. I not only met Kid Cudi, I was able to give him my poetry book. Everything is coming full circle. It has been an adventure that only I can understand. Although there is still a lot more to accomplish, I’m thankful to be right where I’m at.

If I could pass on any knowledge to a struggling teen, it would be:

RELAX, things aren’t as serious as they seem. You’ll laugh about your heartbreak in the future.

Don’t make dating a priority, learn things that you like to do.

Be nice to yourself.

Try to understand that your parents are just trying to protect you. They truly just want you happy.

Laugh and do silly things with your friends every chance you get.

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF NOT HAVING A JOB!

Learn to cook.

Spend time with your family.

Keep a journal – it’s fun to look back on in the future.

Don’t keep things bottled up, find someone you can speak to.

IF YOU HAVE NOBODY, I’M HERE!!!