Beautiful Madness

Not many people know this, but I’m extremely sensitive. I’ve come a long way from letting little things upset me – but there are still some emotions that I have to learn to control. Paranoia (overthinking) being the biggest one, and my biggest flaw. I’ve always had a wild imagination that has both: gotten me far in life, as well as hindered me from truth.

I don’t watch horror movies, go to haunted houses, or do any of that scary shit ya’ll weird people like to do, because of this. My mind can take a thought and run with it so easily. I’ll hear a noise and my mind will jump to somewhere dark. The next thing I know I’m asking God and my angels to silence my mind. I slept in my parent’s room until 5th grade, even after that – I’d run to their room whenever I had a bad dream.

So what are my bad days like? I’m usually in my head (like any other day), but these days are different. These days my thoughts consume me with a never ending cycle of bad scenarios playing out in my head. The more conscious I’ve become – the more I try to observe those thoughts and try to understand why I’m thinking them. I try to get to the root of their feeling and try to identify why it is so intense. I question if it is really how I feel or if it is just fear/ old thought patterns taking over.

This overthinking is the most intense the week before I get my period. I usually fight with my boyfriend. I’m usually crabby to my mom. I’m the complete opposite of who I am. It can be hard for me to find positivity. It can be hard for me to believe in myself. I love my art one minute, then think I’m not doing enough the next. I’m in constant communication with God – asking to please guide me through this darkness.  I experience a never-ending amount of synchronicities and that is what ultimately reminds me of my light. That there is something much greater, listening to my prayers.

So what do I do?  I cry. I talk to God.  I sit with it. I’ve learned to redirect that energy and release it into art. Most importantly, I know it isn’t going to last forever. I can feel myself growing stronger each time. I don’t react at my first negative thought, I control my sanity longer each time. It’s as if God is giving me the same test, over and over. I know the questions on the test, (I know that my period/negative thoughts are coming) I know the answers on the test, (I know that this isn’t the REAL me) & I’m getting less answers on the test wrong, (not reacting as intensely as I have before) I’ve also learned to love this side of me, because I know here is where I grow.

I don’t want to portray that I’m a positive person 24/7. Some days are just easier to tap into positivity than others. I know that there are others who experience similar emotions, but just aren’t as open to expressing them as I am. I really just wanted to speak to those people. To remind them that everything is going to be okay. That you aren’t alone, and if you ever need somebody to talk to – I’m here.